Fanfic – I swear this never happened to me before

Hey Meatball! Donna mind-a me! Jussa normal a-talkin Vespa inna middle-a-joo desert-a.

Hey Meatball! Donna mind-a me! Jussa normal a-talkin Vespa inna middle-a-joo desert-a.

Okay, so I used to be a real snobby douche about Fan Fiction. Not real writing, I thought. Purely masturbatory drivel wherein fans write themselves into a storyline for the sole purpose of putting down in words their juvenile fantasies about being forcibly fornicated by their favorite heroes and villains. Or watching as their favorite heroes and villains jump into a quivering hump-pile.

And it is that. Want to read a story about Optimus prime getting sandwich-banged by Soundwave and Megatron? It’s out there.

Why… Who… er… how could anyone ever think that other people would want to read that? Wait… there is an audience for that? Good Lord!

So fanfic is a lot of tasteless smut. But, I must admit, there’s also some good writing out there. Lots of it. Put it this way; there is as much good writing available on the various fanfiction websites as there is drivel, schlock and tasteless smut available in bookstores.

And there’s an undeniable benefit of fanfic for writers: fun practice. “Write every day” they say. Well, sometimes you’ve got nothing original to say, and even a cross-eyed stream-of-consciousness won’t turn up more than a page full of “beep beep boop beep boop da doop bee boop…” So go ahead, write the story where you’re the new kid at Hogwarts and you set Harry up with Draco (That story’s out there too). You’re writing crap, but you’re writing, and you just may hone your dialogue, or come up with a new metaphor or a new way to present a character flaw. Or you might create a good fanfic which will bring joy to many many fans across the world. There’s no money in it, but if we measure the value of everything in money, then we’re better off committing species-wide seppuku. Actually, we probably will, but we’ll take  the whole planet along with us. Already well down that path… but that’s a soapbox for another day.

It even still kind of hurts to admit that fanfic isn’t all bad. But it’s true. I have to admit that there is value in fanfic because…


It happened to me.

I always liked the Transformers. I even liked the Bayverse movies… but I liked them after accepting just how confoundingly awful they are. Like the Matrix, it would have been best if it was One and Done. Anyway, thinking about the Bayverse films, I came up with two prevailing themes I just couldn’t help but mock:

  1. Alien robots with goofy ethno accents, like Puss-In-Boots Hispanic, Jazz’s jive or the famous hot mess of the Twins
  2. Recycled plot – “We need de thing. Neat – we abandoned the thing on this planet! Handy! Ge the thing! Give the thing to the puny human. Puny human runs the thing from A to B while stuff done get blowed up.”

Ideas kept burbling up in my head about how to mock this stuff and, willing or not, a story formed. A fun story. images, arcs, characters. I started witing, just poking fun, just having a laugh and… well, fanfic happened to me. There it was. A really fun story, a blast to write, probably enjoyable to read, too. And chocked full of licensed content. There was nothing I could do with it except, of course, post it to a fanfic site. Right here: Scootertrash.

It happened so easily, so effortlessly. I hardly even realized it when I became one of them. I’ve only done it once but, well, I kinda want to do it again.

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